Guilt

There are those moments when I look back upon the childhood I've endured and worked hard to find happy moments.  I do remember a Christmas at around 4 (give or take a couple of years) when we all woke up excited for presents and we found huge boxes in front of the tree....one was mine and one for my sister. We were hoisted into the middle of the boxes and rooted around in wadded up newspaper, throwing it here and there, so excited to find that HUGE present that fit into the biggest boxes we've ever seen!

We finally did give up.  We were confused and started to cry....even then we had learned that sadism was an integral part of life...  That's when our parents decided to end the joke and pulled two beautiful new bicycles out of their hiding place.  We were both more happy than ever!  New bikes!  It was a treat we'd not soon forget!  One that was never repeated.

I try to hold onto these few memories.  They are the guilt makers, but important.  These moments that make me feel as if there is something so absolutely wrong with myself, my sister and my brothers that it was actually us that caused the problems.  If we had been 'good'.  If we had just not done the thing that provided instant anger followed up by 'The Belt'.  The question rolls around in my head daily: Was it actually our fault?

Now, I do know it's not our fault.  Not totally.  We were children and children are well known for not doing everything they are told.  But, perfectionism was the only way in our house.  There were no mistakes allowed.  Mistakes led to beatings and hard work.  We worked off our mistakes and I'll tell you this - the work was in no way commensurate with the crime!  

That Christmas has and always will remain one my favorites.  It was a real Christmas.  There was no arguing, no drinking, no fights that ended the beautiful dinner my mother cooked....and although I can't say I remember every moment, I remember the important parts.

So this is my journey....to find the source of the guilt, anger and pain and then crush it like a spider!!!!  (I hate spiders...they are evil in case you don't know!)