I'm tired! Is anyone else tired? I am emotionally just drained! The last couple of months have been horrible! My friend died....in a freak tree accident....he was just driving home from a sleep study and a tree fell on top of his car - right over his head....he held on for almost two weeks before they let him go. So sad....and how does that happen? How does a random tree just decide to finally let go of it's foothold in the earth and fall over at the precise moment a father and husband is driving in its path?!
I guess this is how life works...you're trudging along with all of the negativity in the world and BAM! Someone just plows right into your life and destroys it....and leaves you devastated. I'm a pro at picking myself up after this has happened many times....put it in a box and neatly pack it away, chin up and keep going.
How long do we keep going before the boxes start to leak? Before the shelves are so overburdened with our crap that they fall? Honestly, I've held onto things for so long I forgot half of what happened....but it's there....deep in a box.
My mother died when I was 21. She was there and then she was gone. This time of year I always think of her....sometimes wondering why she didn't love her children enough and others remembering the random good times.
The day she died we had a huge fight. I was so angry at her! I held that anger from all the things she allowed to happen until I finally let her have it! I told her she was a stupid b*tch and she should have left him years ago and done something for her children! Wow! Writing that makes it seem I'm a rather harsh person....and I guess I can be.
Shortly after I left there so angry I wanted to punch someone in the face, I had to rush back to see my mother laying on the floor, unable to move. Satan standing over her completely at a loss as to what to do. I was able to get her dressed....although I left off her underwear....I remember all she could get out was 'unnerwear'....I promised I'd fix it after we got her to the hospital. I stayed calm....we got her to the car....
I'm not sure how my baby brother ended up in the car while the others stayed home....but he sat on the back seat rocking and repeating over and over 'She's gonna die! She's gonna die!' After so long I couldn't take any more and I slapped him across his face and told him to shut up! Again, harsh, but necessary because I wasn't ready to face that fact - especially after what I just said to her!
From the back seat I held her hand and I told her I loved her. She was able to tell us she wasn't going to die....and she loved us....but she never spoke after that....she didn't come home....and she did, in fact, die.
They flew her to UT Medical Center in Tennessee and I was left to care for three children. I was an adult but I was not ready to be left behind with them to explain what was going on....I didn't want that job! She was my mother too and I didn't want this responsibility - not now! It wasn't fair that, again, I had to put everything aside, pretend it was all perfect, and not feel.
When we were finally allowed to see her the day before they unplugged the life support I was so broken I was numb. Her eyes were covered with a wet wash cloth and she was so still. I still had hope she was coming home at that point....foolish as I was! But there was a moment when all of that was shattered. Me being who I am I had to lift the washcloth. I had to see her face. I wish I hadn't!!
When I lifted the washcloth here eyes were open and there was no color other than black. Just black. No white...nothing. My sister kind of let out a whimper and I dropped it back into place as quickly as possible....she wasn't supposed to be looking for God's sake! (They never listened).
What I know now is that my mother's blood pressure was left uncontrolled by selfish Satan's complete inability to ALLOW my mother to purchase her medication and it spiked causing an aneurysm. We lived so far out in the country that even though we got her to the hospital shortly after her collapse, it wasn't enough. The vessel that broke was the main vessel supplying her brain and she would have had to have been in the operating room to save her (according to the doctors). Her eyes were black because there was no blood flow....she was gone by the time she got to ER as there was little to zero hope for survival. That was 25 years ago....I still feel the guilt.
I have good years where I only remember the good....I block the bad and don't let it in. I dream of a wonderful mother who cooked and cleaned and mended clothing, all the while holding it all together like a champ! The image she portrayed to the public....perfection....the perfect lie. Those years are the best! Other years I remember it all...and I hate her for it. It's all her fault...she could and should have been strong enough for her children....to save us...to never allow the bad to touch her children.
However, my friend died...and he left behind five children and a wife. He was one of the few people who got to know me and called me on my crap! He was hilarious with a dry, kind of demented humor that matched my own. He was a natural born smart ass and I miss him! His death made me think of my own life and wonder what will happen when I'm gone....and it will be insignificant to most...and I'm okay with that....because my tribe is small...but they know me well.....I'm lucky in that aspect.
We all have something to be grateful for....find it....hold onto it...and thank God he gave it to you. It will help you through even the worst times....even those times when you feel so utterly emotionally and physically drained that it's hard to get out of bed. Just get up! You won't die....you may only make it to the couch....but do that until you can do more....baby steps....
I guess this is how life works...you're trudging along with all of the negativity in the world and BAM! Someone just plows right into your life and destroys it....and leaves you devastated. I'm a pro at picking myself up after this has happened many times....put it in a box and neatly pack it away, chin up and keep going.
How long do we keep going before the boxes start to leak? Before the shelves are so overburdened with our crap that they fall? Honestly, I've held onto things for so long I forgot half of what happened....but it's there....deep in a box.
My mother died when I was 21. She was there and then she was gone. This time of year I always think of her....sometimes wondering why she didn't love her children enough and others remembering the random good times.
The day she died we had a huge fight. I was so angry at her! I held that anger from all the things she allowed to happen until I finally let her have it! I told her she was a stupid b*tch and she should have left him years ago and done something for her children! Wow! Writing that makes it seem I'm a rather harsh person....and I guess I can be.
Shortly after I left there so angry I wanted to punch someone in the face, I had to rush back to see my mother laying on the floor, unable to move. Satan standing over her completely at a loss as to what to do. I was able to get her dressed....although I left off her underwear....I remember all she could get out was 'unnerwear'....I promised I'd fix it after we got her to the hospital. I stayed calm....we got her to the car....
I'm not sure how my baby brother ended up in the car while the others stayed home....but he sat on the back seat rocking and repeating over and over 'She's gonna die! She's gonna die!' After so long I couldn't take any more and I slapped him across his face and told him to shut up! Again, harsh, but necessary because I wasn't ready to face that fact - especially after what I just said to her!
From the back seat I held her hand and I told her I loved her. She was able to tell us she wasn't going to die....and she loved us....but she never spoke after that....she didn't come home....and she did, in fact, die.
They flew her to UT Medical Center in Tennessee and I was left to care for three children. I was an adult but I was not ready to be left behind with them to explain what was going on....I didn't want that job! She was my mother too and I didn't want this responsibility - not now! It wasn't fair that, again, I had to put everything aside, pretend it was all perfect, and not feel.
When we were finally allowed to see her the day before they unplugged the life support I was so broken I was numb. Her eyes were covered with a wet wash cloth and she was so still. I still had hope she was coming home at that point....foolish as I was! But there was a moment when all of that was shattered. Me being who I am I had to lift the washcloth. I had to see her face. I wish I hadn't!!
When I lifted the washcloth here eyes were open and there was no color other than black. Just black. No white...nothing. My sister kind of let out a whimper and I dropped it back into place as quickly as possible....she wasn't supposed to be looking for God's sake! (They never listened).
What I know now is that my mother's blood pressure was left uncontrolled by selfish Satan's complete inability to ALLOW my mother to purchase her medication and it spiked causing an aneurysm. We lived so far out in the country that even though we got her to the hospital shortly after her collapse, it wasn't enough. The vessel that broke was the main vessel supplying her brain and she would have had to have been in the operating room to save her (according to the doctors). Her eyes were black because there was no blood flow....she was gone by the time she got to ER as there was little to zero hope for survival. That was 25 years ago....I still feel the guilt.
I have good years where I only remember the good....I block the bad and don't let it in. I dream of a wonderful mother who cooked and cleaned and mended clothing, all the while holding it all together like a champ! The image she portrayed to the public....perfection....the perfect lie. Those years are the best! Other years I remember it all...and I hate her for it. It's all her fault...she could and should have been strong enough for her children....to save us...to never allow the bad to touch her children.
However, my friend died...and he left behind five children and a wife. He was one of the few people who got to know me and called me on my crap! He was hilarious with a dry, kind of demented humor that matched my own. He was a natural born smart ass and I miss him! His death made me think of my own life and wonder what will happen when I'm gone....and it will be insignificant to most...and I'm okay with that....because my tribe is small...but they know me well.....I'm lucky in that aspect.
We all have something to be grateful for....find it....hold onto it...and thank God he gave it to you. It will help you through even the worst times....even those times when you feel so utterly emotionally and physically drained that it's hard to get out of bed. Just get up! You won't die....you may only make it to the couch....but do that until you can do more....baby steps....
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