Yes, it’s been a while. It’s been a tiring journey the last year. Things happened. People died. My brother went to prison again. It’s really sucked.
I’ve been working on some things. My level of inability to forgive being one of them. I try. Some days I succeed and others I fail.
My brother. He’s the baby. He was once such a sweet boy. Quiet. Shy. Soft spoken. He had a good soul. But when my mother died he changed. He was 15 when my mom died. It broke him. He became something so completely twisted I didn’t recognize him. He turned evil. I wish it weren’t true but he did.
He started doing drugs and drinking heavily. He got married and had a little boy at some point between binges. I was happy for him. I thought he was going to survive. But he started beating his wife - badly. He went to jail a few times, she finally filed for a divorce and she wouldn’t let him see his son. It was for the best.
Soon after, he murdered our father. He shot him with a 12 gauge shotgun. I’m unsure of the facts because to hear it from my brother it was so garbled and nonsensical that I can’t believe any of it. He lies about everything and truly believes he is so cunning he’s convinced everyone of his stories. In any case, it boils down to a lot of drugs and booze in a house filled with unresolved hatred that lead to my brother loading, aiming and shooting our father in the head. He died instantly.
I feel nothing about all of this. No sorrow for the man who was my father. No hatred for my brother for doing it. I’m jaded I guess. My brother committed murder and he spent about 13 years in prison for it. He did his time.
He came out of prison with a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia. This explained the erratic behavior, the lies....the psychosis overall. But he was a scary man to be around. He frightened me. He was dangerous. He once told me that although the demons told him to kill me in my sleep he wouldn’t do it....he wouldn’t do that to me. I made him move out that day and changed all of my locks. I know what he’s capable of.
So why did he go to prison?! Murder.
He’s been riding the homeless shelter track for years. He hopped from one to the next and circled back every few months. No one was allowed to have his phone number. He changed it monthly if not daily on his worst days. He’d been arrested a few times for battery, terroristic threatening and skipping bail. But this last time he was going back for a while for trying to kill a girl who shot him up with too much heroine (according to him she tried to kill him but who knows for sure). He ran and hid in shelter after shelter for months.
One day, though, he decided that he needed a fresh start. So he went to a church where a nice elderly woman was working. He asked for some food. She was happy to help him. She had no fear and had no idea what he was. He pushed her into a room, cut her throat, stole her money and car and left her to die. She was 72 years old. She was a Christian woman who worked in the church to help people.
They tracked him down two weeks later. He had dumped her car in Indiana and he was hitchhiking south.
It’s hard to see the family of this poor lady on TV. To see their pain and know my brother did it. He killed her. He took a life - again. I’ve been depressed over it. Embarrassed. Angry. Guilty. Numb yet not. He’s gone to prison for life this time. I’ll never have to worry about him finding me and murdering me in my sleep. I’m relieved for that. But someone had to die to allow me to feel safe for the first time in 20 years.
So I’ve spent the last year in hiding. I had to move and change my phone number. I had to be careful that only trusted people knew where I lived. It’s like hiding from the abusive ex-husband and praying he doesn’t pop up one day to beat the crap out of you for leaving. I thank God he didn’t know where I was because supposedly he was on his way to find me after he killed that poor lady.
Evil created these evil boys that grew into evil men. Both of my brothers are in prison for murder. They learned from Satan who raised them to be evil. How I survived his wrath I’m unsure. Somehow I was strong enough to stand firm in the light and I didn’t fall to the dark side with them. I got lucky I guess.
Be careful out there! You never know who the person is you’re talking to. Evil lurks in the most inconspicuous.
XOXO
I’ve been working on some things. My level of inability to forgive being one of them. I try. Some days I succeed and others I fail.
My brother. He’s the baby. He was once such a sweet boy. Quiet. Shy. Soft spoken. He had a good soul. But when my mother died he changed. He was 15 when my mom died. It broke him. He became something so completely twisted I didn’t recognize him. He turned evil. I wish it weren’t true but he did.
He started doing drugs and drinking heavily. He got married and had a little boy at some point between binges. I was happy for him. I thought he was going to survive. But he started beating his wife - badly. He went to jail a few times, she finally filed for a divorce and she wouldn’t let him see his son. It was for the best.
Soon after, he murdered our father. He shot him with a 12 gauge shotgun. I’m unsure of the facts because to hear it from my brother it was so garbled and nonsensical that I can’t believe any of it. He lies about everything and truly believes he is so cunning he’s convinced everyone of his stories. In any case, it boils down to a lot of drugs and booze in a house filled with unresolved hatred that lead to my brother loading, aiming and shooting our father in the head. He died instantly.
I feel nothing about all of this. No sorrow for the man who was my father. No hatred for my brother for doing it. I’m jaded I guess. My brother committed murder and he spent about 13 years in prison for it. He did his time.
He came out of prison with a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia. This explained the erratic behavior, the lies....the psychosis overall. But he was a scary man to be around. He frightened me. He was dangerous. He once told me that although the demons told him to kill me in my sleep he wouldn’t do it....he wouldn’t do that to me. I made him move out that day and changed all of my locks. I know what he’s capable of.
So why did he go to prison?! Murder.
He’s been riding the homeless shelter track for years. He hopped from one to the next and circled back every few months. No one was allowed to have his phone number. He changed it monthly if not daily on his worst days. He’d been arrested a few times for battery, terroristic threatening and skipping bail. But this last time he was going back for a while for trying to kill a girl who shot him up with too much heroine (according to him she tried to kill him but who knows for sure). He ran and hid in shelter after shelter for months.
One day, though, he decided that he needed a fresh start. So he went to a church where a nice elderly woman was working. He asked for some food. She was happy to help him. She had no fear and had no idea what he was. He pushed her into a room, cut her throat, stole her money and car and left her to die. She was 72 years old. She was a Christian woman who worked in the church to help people.
They tracked him down two weeks later. He had dumped her car in Indiana and he was hitchhiking south.
It’s hard to see the family of this poor lady on TV. To see their pain and know my brother did it. He killed her. He took a life - again. I’ve been depressed over it. Embarrassed. Angry. Guilty. Numb yet not. He’s gone to prison for life this time. I’ll never have to worry about him finding me and murdering me in my sleep. I’m relieved for that. But someone had to die to allow me to feel safe for the first time in 20 years.
So I’ve spent the last year in hiding. I had to move and change my phone number. I had to be careful that only trusted people knew where I lived. It’s like hiding from the abusive ex-husband and praying he doesn’t pop up one day to beat the crap out of you for leaving. I thank God he didn’t know where I was because supposedly he was on his way to find me after he killed that poor lady.
Evil created these evil boys that grew into evil men. Both of my brothers are in prison for murder. They learned from Satan who raised them to be evil. How I survived his wrath I’m unsure. Somehow I was strong enough to stand firm in the light and I didn’t fall to the dark side with them. I got lucky I guess.
Be careful out there! You never know who the person is you’re talking to. Evil lurks in the most inconspicuous.
XOXO
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